DISABLED IN AMERICA
I didn't choose to become disabled it was something that was done to me over time from numerous sinus surgeries that have caused me to not be able to work and earn my way in the world.
I hate it, I wonder who I would be, where I would be now if this hadn't happened to me.
Would I have been able to afford a home of my own? Would I have gotten over myself enough to learn to date and possibly be married? Would I be financially stable? Would I have been able to finish my Bachelor's degree in college? Would I have found my niche in the business world and been happy with my career?
I'm 55 years old. I have nothing to show for it. I cannot afford to purchase a dwelling of any kind on my SSDI. I try to make other income but due to the fact I am always exhausted and always in pain it is very part-time work, not enough to make a difference.
I feel stuck. Not only financially but emotionally. My life was paused at about age 30 due to the issues that arose from multiple sinus surgeries. I was trapped in place, unable to grow or move for over 20 years. Stunted in life.
I am just now finding out what I should have back then. Who I am, what kind of person I want to be. I enjoy life as much as I possibly can. Appreciating things for what they are.
Goles are not something I can strive for. I have too many limitations, and I don't what the next crisis in my life is going to be. It's ONLY ME!
Sure, I have siblings. But, they have their own lives. It's JUST ME at the end of the day. I'm getting better with that. But I do get concerned that I have pushed people and situations away from my life that would have enriched it due to being socially stunted.
I'm not miserable in life like I used to be. It's taken years and years of therapy. I guess not many people are entirely happy with how their life has gone. I'm no different! But it is my life and I wish it was a bit different.
MY WISHES:
To be able to afford a home with a fenced backyard so my dogs can be free to go outside whenever they need to. I hate they are trapped in an apartment.
I wish I wasn't in an apartment, where I have to follow other people's rules. Not being able to afford a place that is actually habitable, no issues.
That is my American Dream!
It's not big but it is so out of reach for me.
MY GRUMBLES
I'm tired of being tired all the time. I don't get quality sleep. I have sleep apnea due to the changes in my sinuses that were made during surgery. I cannot wear a Sleep Apnea machine, my sinuses cannot tolerate the air pressure. So, I'm ALWAYS tired. I get irritable easily, I don't like being irritable or angry. It's not my nature.
I don't think that the people who decide how much each disabled person gets each month understand the cost of living. I'm not talking about living the high life, just everyday expenses.
Toilet Paper or paper products
They are expensive and not covered under the paltry sum of $30 a month I get in food assistance.
What about clothing, that's extra. I just lost about 40 pounds. I'm struggling between having clothes that fit and clothes that hang off of me. It's a shirt one month or pants/shorts another month. May have to skip a few months due to other bills: utilities, food, the car needs to be repaired, or the dog needs to go to the vet. It's check to check living.
A one-bedroom apartment under $1,300 a month. No LONGER EXISTS!
I live in a warmer climate just because I want to, it's better for my health!!! Cold climate wrecks me.
What if my car dies, I can't afford another one. I think this may be the last car I own. It's a 2012 with over 180,000 miles on it. If that happens I can't do side work!
Knowing me, I will just not get out at all. Right now all I can afford is to go to the grocery store and do my dog walking/watching jobs.
Not that I really want to, but my siblings want me to visit them in a different state. I can't afford that. Hotel, plane, gas if I drive, dog expenses (dog sitter). other expenses from traveling.
If they want me to visit they will have to pay for my visit. I'm done catering to other people's wants of me. That is one of the reasons I moved away. To get away from their expectations. I'm finally free to be me and do what I want! It's very liberating. It only took 50 years of my life to get here!
DOCTORS?????
I still don't understand why the doctors who did this to me get to live their lives with no repercussions. What I have is not recognized or acknowledged but a lot of doctors in that field. All of my issues are "not" related to what happened to me...really? It took over 20 years for me to get diagnosed, what I have is relatively new to be recognized. It's so new that doctors don't quite grasp the scope of the pain and suffering I have gone through. The wages that I have lost from not being able to work all these years! The anguish I have personally gone through listening to them. The medications I have tried over the years from being misdiagnosed and not understanding why the medications didn't work. The side effects of some of the medications.
Every time I have a new doctor they want to "reinvent the wheel" and re-try everything I have already tried. Start all a new and therefore I am not getting treated for what I already have, not progressing in my treatment because of it. Ruining my health even more. Relatively I don't have time on my side, I'm at the other end of my life, there is not much time left and I don't want to live this way if there is a medical way to treat what I do have!
That is just tonight's rumblings and why I am not asleep at midnight. Sigh
